If you're the sort of person who loves learning, here are a few of the books, podcasts, websites, and TV shows I’d recommend exploring. It’s not homework, and it’s not essential to living a fulfilling erotic life

Spend any time exploring relationship advice and you'll eventually encounter the concept of polarity. For some, it's the missing piece that explains attraction and chemistry. For others, it's little more than outdated gender stereotypes dressed up as wisdom. As with many things, the truth is more nuanced. I believe polarity can absolutely create spark, but I also think many people misunderstand what polarity actually is.

The concept of Core Erotic Desires comes largely from the work of Psychotherapist and Sex Therapist Jack Morin, who observed that our deepest turn-ons are often not random. Instead, they tend to emerge from the intersection of our personality, life experiences, emotional needs, and formative erotic experiences.

There is a moment many people experience after divorce that no one really talks about. The paperwork is signed, the house is sold, children are adjusting, friends have stopped asking how you're doing, and life has (outwardly at least) moved on. And then one day a quieter question arrives: Who am I now? Not professionally, as a parent, as someone's former partner, but as a sensual, sexual, feeling human being.

There is a common misconception that our erotic desires say something definitive about who we are as people. That if we enjoy surrendering sexually, we must be passive. If we enjoy taking control, we must be domineering. If we enjoy power play, there must be something wrong with us. In reality, erotic desire is often far more nuanced than that.

Most of us spend years learning what we should desire. We absorb messages from movies, partners, friends, social media and culture. We learn what sex is supposed to look like. Yet many people arrive at midlife realising they have never really explored the deeper forces that create excitement, anticipation and arousal for them. The good news is that desire is not random.

Have you ever had a fantasy that surprised you? Did it feel exciting or confusing? Perhaps it made you wonder: "Why would I be turned on by that?"

For many people, fantasy is one of the most private parts of their inner world. Yet it is also one of the most universal. Almost everyone has fantasies. Almost everyone has desires they have never shared. Almost everyone has wondered whether their thoughts are normal. The answer is reassuring. Human sexuality is wonderfully diverse.

One of the most common misconceptions about desire is the belief that fantasy and reality should always match. If I fantasise about something, surely I must want to do it. If I enjoy imagining it, surely I should act it out. If it turns me on, surely it means something important. But human desire is far more nuanced than that. Fantasy and reality often overlap, but they are not the same thing. In fact, many people discover that some of their most exciting fantasies are things they would never actually want to experience. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Others want to experience and play out their fantasies in a safe container. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that

If you've travelled regularly for work, you've probably experienced a version of the same routine - airport, taxi, hotel, meeting, dinner alone, hotel room, repeat. Business travel can be exciting at first, but over time it often becomes surprisingly predictable. Many travelers spend years visiting cities they've never really experienced. They see conference rooms, hotel lobbies and airports, but very little of the place itself. I think that's a shame. Because travel offers an opportunity to experience something more…

Environment matters. Perhaps more than people realise. The right setting has a way of changing how we feel. It helps us relax. It allows us to settle into the moment. It encourages us to leave the outside world behind for a while. That's one of the reasons I choose Funhouse in central Wellington as my beautiful base. When people visit for the first time, one of the things they often comment on is how welcoming it feels. There is a warmth to the space. Thoughtful attention has been paid to the details.

One of the things I love most about Wellington is that it rewards curiosity. Unlike larger cities that demand an itinerary and a packed schedule, Wellington reveals itself slowly. It is a city best experienced through wandering, conversations, and maybe a detour down a laneway simply because something catches your eye. Visitors often ask me what they should see while they're here. My answer is usually the same - slow down.

Long-term relationships are one of life's great adventures. They are also one of life's greatest teachers. Over the years we learn about love, patience, compromise, communication, resilience and growth. We also learn that intimacy doesn't maintain itself. It requires attention and occasionally, a willingness to step outside familiar routines.

There is a stereotype that men only want one thing. In my experience, that stereotype is wildly inaccurate. Many of the men I meet are not searching for a rushed encounter. They're not looking to impress anyone. They're not interested in ticking something off a list. What they're often seeking is surprisingly simple - connection, care, conversation (sometimes), and calm. That feeling of being welcomed exactly as they are and having full permission (and encouragement) to explore pleasure.

It's one of the most common things people say to me. Usually quietly and sometimes with a nervous laugh. Occasionally as a confession delivered after several minutes of conversation. "I've never done anything like this before." If that's you, I'd like to start by reassuring you that you're in very good company.

When people talk about kink, they often focus on the activities - the costumes, props, labels, terminology, fantasies, and maybe even stigma. What receives far less attention are the personal qualities people frequently develop through exploration - confidence, communication, self-awareness, trust, and presence (to name a few).

Fantasy often receives an unfair reputation. Many people worry that having fantasies means something is wrong with them, something is missing from their relationships, or that their desires are somehow unusual. In reality, fantasy is one of the most natural expressions of imagination. It allows us to explore possibilities, to experiment safely and visit ideas, emotions and experiences that may never appear in our everyday lives. Fantasy isn't something to fear but to understand.

Kink is one of those subjects that many people are curious about, yet relatively few feel comfortable discussing openly. For some, curiosity begins with a fantasy that keeps returning to their imagination. For others, it emerges after reading an article, watching a film, hearing a conversation, or realising that certain ideas feel unexpectedly exciting. Whatever brings you here, I'd like to start with some reassurance. Curiosity and fantasy are normal and the desire to explore different aspects of yourself is entirely human.

When people hear the words sensual massage, they often focus on the sensuality and think paying for it is just what men do for their happy ending. Many men do seek a massage for the thrill and spill… but beyond the pleasure there is something profoundly restorative about slowing down and returning to the body. In a world that constantly pulls our attention outward, sensual massage offers an opportunity to come home to ourselves. Especially for women.

When people think about sensual massage, they often focus on what happens during the session and if there will be happy ending. What I've come to appreciate is that there is so much more to it. A truly exceptional sensual massage is not simply about technique and getting to the end. It's about presence, attention, and well-timed play. It's about creating an experience where someone feels welcomed, comfortable and completely able to relax into the moment.

Many people believe desire is something that either exists or doesn't. You have it. Or you don't. In my experience, desire is far more nuanced than that. Desire is responsive. It needs cultivation and curiosity and it changes with life circumstances, stress levels, relationships, health, confidence and the amount of space we create for ourselves. A sensual massage with me is magical for sparking desire.