What really turns you on? Exploring your core erotic Desires
There is a question many people never ask themselves. Not "What do I enjoy sexually?" or "What acts do I like?" But something deeper” “What is it that truly turns me on?”
Most of us spend years learning what we should desire from external sources. We absorb messages from movies, partners, friends, social media and culture. We learn what sex is supposed to look like. Yet many people arrive at midlife realising they have never really explored the deeper forces that create excitement, anticipation and arousal for them. The good news is that desire is not random. There are often patterns hidden beneath our attractions, fantasies and longings. Once we begin to recognise them, we can create experiences that feel more authentic, more exciting and far more fulfilling.
Deeper desires
Many people confuse erotic desire with sexual activities and objects. For example, you might say:
I like massage.
I like lingerie.
I enjoy being dominant.
I enjoy being submissive.
But activities are often just vehicles for something deeper. A massage may not be exciting because of the touch itself, it may be exciting because it allows you to surrender. Lingerie may not be exciting because of the fabric, it may be exciting because it creates anticipation. A power exchange may not be exciting because of control, it may be exciting because it creates emotional intensity. When we understand the deeper needs underneath the object or activity, we gain access to a much richer erotic life.
Four Cornerstones of Eroticism
Psychotherapist Jack Morin spent years exploring what creates lasting erotic excitement. His work identified four common ingredients that appear again and again in people's fantasies and desires.
He observed our deepest turn-ons are often not random. Instead, they tend to emerge from the intersection of our personalities, life experiences, emotional needs, and formative erotic experiences. What frustrates us often fascinates us (meaning many erotic desires might arise from tensions, longings, or experiences that were significant earlier in life and left a strong emotional imprint).
Morin identified four cornerstones of eroticism:
Longing and anticipation
Often the wanting is as exciting as the having. The flirtation, build-up, stolen glance across a room, the message that arrives unexpectedly, the countdown to seeing someone again. Many people discover that anticipation is one of the most powerful parts of erotic experience.
Violating prohibitions
This doesn't mean doing anything unsafe or harmful. It means stepping outside the rules and doing something that feels a little forbidden, daring, naughty. For some people, simply giving themselves permission to prioritise pleasure can feel rebellious.
Searching for power
Eroticism often plays with power - taking charge, letting go, leading, following, being desire, being pursued, worship, challenge. Power dynamics exist in countless forms, and understanding your relationship with power can reveal a great deal about your desires.
Overcoming ambivalence
Many fantasies involve tension. Part of us wants something yet part of us feels uncertain. This emotional edge often creates excitement. Not because we truly want fear or discomfort, but because the dance between certainty and uncertainty can heighten anticipation and emotional intensity.
Erotic preferences and styles
Sex educator Jaiya offers another useful lens through her Erotic Blueprint framework.
She suggests people often have dominant styles of erotic expression:
Energetic - turned on by anticipation, connection, eye contact, presence and possibility.
Sensual - turned on by the senses - touch, smell, what we see, what we hear, and what we can taste
Sexual - turned on by direct erotic energy, attraction, and physical intimacy.
Kinky - turned on by novelty, power dynamics, psychological play, and exploration.
Shapeshifter - enjoys and moves between many different styles depending on mood and circumstance.
There is no right or wrong way to be. All Jaiya suggests is that people tend to experience arousal and intimacy through different pathways, and understanding your unique erotic language can help you access more pleasure, communicate your desires more clearly, and create deeper connection with partners.
Jack Morin helps us understand the emotional roots of desire, while Jaiya helps us understand the pathways through which desire is expressed. Together, they offer a fascinating map of both the origins and expression of our erotic selves.
The space between
Relationship therapist Esther Perel often speaks about the paradox of desire. Love seeks closeness, while desire often thrives on mystery. Love wants certainty and desire often enjoys a little uncertainty. This is why travel can feel exciting. Why seeing someone in a different environment can feel surprisingly attractive, and why stepping outside everyday routines can reignite chemistry. Sometimes what we are seeking isn't a different partner, it's just a different version of ourselves.
Questions to ask yourself
If you're curious about your own erotic landscape, consider these questions:
What fantasies return repeatedly?
What emotional experiences do those fantasies create?
When have I felt most alive, desired or excited?
Do I enjoy anticipation more than certainty?
Do I enjoy leading or following?
What role does novelty play in my desire?
What situations make me feel confident and attractive?
What experiences have I always been curious about but never explored?
What would I try if I knew I would not be judged?
Exploring desire safely and curiously
Understanding your desires does not mean you need to immediately act on them. Sometimes simply naming a desire can be transformative. Sometimes people enjoy exploring through conversation, role play, experience.
How I Can Help
Many people book time with me not because they know exactly what they want, but because they are curious. I offer bespoke sex coaching that meets you where you’re at. For some, sensual massage offers an opportunity to slow down, reconnect with touch and discover what their body enjoys. For others, light kink exploration provides a safe way to experiment with power, anticipation, surrender or playfulness. For some, an intimate encounter offers the opportunity to step outside everyday life and explore connection, chemistry, conversation and desire in a relaxed and accepting environment. There is no expectation to arrive with all the answers. Sometimes the most interesting discoveries begin with a simple question: "What if I allowed myself to explore?"
Final Thoughts
Desire is deeply personal. What excites one person may do nothing for another. The most rewarding erotic experiences often begin not with technique, but with self-awareness. The more we understand what genuinely lights us up, the easier it becomes to create experiences that feel authentic, exciting and deeply satisfying.
Warmly,
Sabine x
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