Not getting hard, staying hard or finishing too quickly? try this.
Let's begin with something important - if you've struggled with erections or found yourself climaxing sooner than you'd like, you're not alone. It’s common! It’s just not often talked about, which can mean men quietly assume they are the only one. Stress, fatigue, age, health, relationship dynamics, anxiety, alcohol, medication, life pressure and simple human variability can all influence how our bodies respond.
The good news is that there are often practical things worth exploring before jumping to the conclusion that something is wrong.
For men who find they finish earlier than they’d like
TIP #1. Slow down earlier than you think. Many men wait until they are already highly aroused before trying to slow things down but by then the train is often well down the tracks. Instead, begin noticing your level of arousal much earlier. Can you recognise when you're at 4 out of 10? 5 out of 10? 6 out of 10? See how patient you can be at staying at a 3 (maybe a 4) out of 10 for longer than you usually do. It can actually be a whole lot of fun. Building awareness earlier and creates more choice later.
TIP #2. Breathe. It sounds simple because it is. Many people (especially men, I’ve noticed) unconsciously hold their breath as arousal increases. Holding your breath often increases tension throughout the body. Relaxed breathing encourages a more relaxed nervous system. Try slower exhalations and notice what happens. I love working with people on breathing techniques.
TIP #3. Expand your definition of pleasure. Many men become focused on one destination. Pleasure becomes a race. Instead, explore touch, sensation, connection, anticipation and enjoyment without constantly checking where you are on the road to climax. The less pressure there is to arrive, the easier it often becomes to enjoy the journey.
For men who struggle with erections
TIP #1. Get curious about pressure. One of the biggest erection killers is pressure (to perform, impress, stay hard, make everything work perfectly, be in control just enough). Honestly, the body generally responds better to curiosity than pressure. If men feel embarrassed when they struggle to get or stay hard, we switch it up, do something different, maybe laugh a little, and redirect energy away from the ‘why isn’t this working’ loop. How can you feel more relaxed and aroused in your body in the moment?
TIP #2. Focus on sensation instead of performance. Many men become trapped in monitoring. Am I hard enough? Am I still hard? What if I lose it? What if I climax too quickly? This pulls attention out of the body and into the mind. Try shifting attention back to physical sensation, pleasure, breath and connection. The body often responds better when it isn't being constantly evaluated.
TIP #3. Take care of the basics. Look at how you’re living life - sleep, stress, movement, alcohol intake, cardiovascular health. None of these are particularly sexy topics but erections are often enthusiastic supporters of all of them. A healthy body generally supports healthy sexual function.
A final thought
One of the biggest myths surrounding male sexuality is that everything should work perfectly all the time. Human bodies don't work that way. Bodies change, life happens - so the goal is understanding your body well enough to work with it rather than against it with a little less pressure and a little more curiosity and compassion for yourself.
Warmly,
Sabine x
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